Prom

Had a dream over the weekend that I had to get ready for prom with like two hours notice. I went to the mall to get ready and told the hairstylist to just do something quick. So she just put my hair in a ponytail. Not an impressive ponytail, either. The kind of ponytail I used to give myself when I was in kindergarten. Or when my dad would try to do my hair.

Then I went all around the mall looking for a dress, but I couldn't find anything suitable so I ended up wearing the bridesmaid dress I wore to my BFF Amanda's wedding a couple of months ago. Funny story, there...in real life, I was feeding my baby before the ceremony and she threw up all over me and that very dress. This was about 20 minutes before we were all supposed to walk down the aisle.

With the help of the other bridesmaids, some paper towels, water, and a hairdryer, there was no visible stain on my dress by the time the wedding started. But it still smells like baby vomit.

So I ended up going to prom with a cheap hairstyle and a smelly dress. In the dream, not in real life. In real life, our limo broke down and we hitchhiked to prom. So...pretty even in terms of quality.

Separated

I had a horrible dream last night that my husband wanted us to take some time apart. He kept assuring me that it was only a trial separation, but it was just kind of understood that we weren't going to get back together. He even sent his parents over to pick up all of his stuff. It was all very amicable, but I was absolutely devastated.

At one point we were at this family event at this mansion-castle place that we had agreed to go to together before we split up. I kept reaching over to hold his hand or put my arm around him but had to stop myself at the last second when I remembered he didn't want to be with me anymore. And there was this huge lake in the backyard that was home to a narwhal. Without the horn. So I guess a whale?


He kept coming out of the lake to spray water on me, and that part was actually rather delightful.

For some reason near the end of the dream, we were all hanging out in the kitchen and Robin Williams came in and started doing some stand-up comedy. Everyone was really confused except for me. I was like "Oh! I've seen this bit online, it's hilarious. Shh, let him finish!" So we just kind of watched Robin Williams do some comedy act that somehow centered around a door stopper. One of these:



Anyway, there were some other parts of the dream that I can't remember enough details about to get into. The point is that Kyle left me and I woke up feeling completely miserable until I had verbal confirmation from Kyle that he had no intention of doing so.

Job Interview

Last night I had a dream I was in this old schoolhouse to interview for a fundraising job (I currently work in development). There were dozens of people applying for this job, and most of them were people I knew from high school, past careers, etc.

The guy who was interviewing would bring people into his office three at a time and only spend like five minutes with them. Right before my turn, my friend from my old job, Charity, came out and told me it was really weird and he made it seem like it was a completely different job, so everyone was confused.

So my turn finally came up, and I went in with these two girls I knew in high school. The other two girls just sat down, but I shook the guy's hand and introduced myself, and he seemed way too impressed that I actually took the time to do that.

Then he started describing the job, but was selling it to be something completely different from fundraising. Like some retail or server or cleaning job, I don't really remember. And I was about to interrupt him to make sure I was in the right place when the fire alarm went off (no worries, it was only a drill). So everyone went outside, and when it was over I was the only person who went back to to finish the interview.

I siad to the guy, "I just want to make sure you didn't have any more questions for me, and I actually wanted to clarify a few things with you," and he was like "Oh, that's really great of you, but I already gave the job to someone else. Her interview went a lot better." Which I thought was unfair because mine was interrupted by the fire drill, but whatever.

So I said, "Do you mind telling me what it was about me you didn't like? Maybe it's something I can work on." And he said, "You have this really strange habit of moving your tongue all over the place. It's so distracting, and you looked ridiculous. The woman who got the job just sat back very calmly, so that's why she got the job."

I said, "I had no idea I moved my tongue around like that. Thanks for telling me, I will try to remember that in the future." Then I left and found out my BFF Amanda got the fundraising job. And while I was happy for her, I was also like "Dude, you don't have any fundraising experience!" But we left the building together and I saw a scooter and was like, "Sweet, I've always wanted one of these!" so I rode it down the hill then asked Amanda "...Did I just steal a kid's scooter?" And she she said "Yes." So I walked it back up the hill and put it back where I found it then I walked home with Amanda.

Old Dreams Remembered

I made the genius decision to sign into my old e-mail account and do a search on the word "dream." The result is the following Gchat conversations between me and various people (mostly Kyle).

me:  I had a dream last night that my sister and I were invited to this high-end party

and we had to ride a flying bicycle to get there and I steered it into a muddy pond on accident

and it was really dark in this city, it kinda reminded me of Gotham city or whatever from batman

and we went in this area with all these conveyor belts for people

and they were being sorted into who was cool enough to go to this party or not, like a very advanced bouncer    

system

and I wasn't cool enough to go

me: I had a dream I was pregnant

and I had to find out from you (Kyle)

and I was mad, like "how is it you know before I do?"

and you were mad because you couldn't believe I forgot our trip to the doctor and having the sonogram done

me: I had a horrible dream the other day that I was on a double decker bus with all these puppies and kittens

and the bus caught fire and I tried to save them all but only two survived

and I woke up crying

(to my college friend Anna)

me: I had a nightmare about your wedding last night. it was your bachelorette party and we were all riding around in a limo and I realized that no one had gotten you a sash or crown or feather boa or anything that would imply that you were the bachelorette

  and I was really really upset about this

  so I took the limo and made it drive me four hours back home so you could have the ones from my bachelorette party

  and I made Kate go with me

and it wasn't until we were on the drive back up at like 3:45 that I realized, "hey Kate, we just missed the whole party...and I bet Anna would have rather had us there than a feather boa"

me: I had a dream that it was the wedding day and Kyle and I went up to do our first dance

  but the dance floor was really small and right by the door to the kitchens

  so people kept walking through us and crowding around and pushing each other

  it got out of control so we eventually just stopped dancing

  it was awful

me:  I had a dream we were in a synchronized swimming competition

  but we had to wear hoodies and jeans and such

KYLE: that sounds horrible

me: it was odd.

  then I went shopping for dresses with my mom and sister

  and my sister got the only wedding dress and I had to wear a bridesmaid dress

KYLE: oh dear

  that's not what you want

(to Kyle)

me: I had a dream we got married at our old middle school

 it was a few months before the wedding and we wanted to be officially married just to get the certificate in Ohio

  so we did it at the middle school

  and I wore my dress, but it was lame.

me: I had another dream someone was trying to kill me

  that's three nights in a row

  this time it was kind of like that movie Identity

  a mix of that and 10 little indians

  there were 5 people including me and you

  and one of us was the killer

  and it was in this cabin in the middle of the woods

  there was a kid, a teenager, me and you, and a middle aged guy

  it was the middle aged guy

KYLE: it always is

(to Kyle)

me: I had a dream that you made me four baked potatoes for dinner and you were upset when I couldn't eat them all

  then Daniel (Kyle’s brother) called because he had been kidnapped and he needed help getting out

so we took a motorcycle to get him, he was tied to a pole at the top of this waterfall fountain

  and he was playing hanging with friends, and if he guessed right he would have been able to go, but he only had one strike left and he didn't want to be thrown off the fountain so he called just in case

so we untied him and tried to get him on the motorcycle to leave but he wanted to go in the house and say goodbye to everyone first

I was really mad.

me: I had a wedding nightmare last night

it was the rehearsal dinner and I was upset because nothing was ready and I didn't have a dress for the rehearsal dinner

  and the officiant kept asking me when I wanted him to pass out bread

  and I was all "I didn't even know we had to pass out bread for this"

  but apparently we did. And all these people kept asking me questions, really detailed ones, about the wedding day and I had no answers

I woke up with my heart pounding.

me: btw I had a crazy ass dream. It took place on a tiny ship and it was from the point of view of a mouse and there was this whole caste system, from the janitor mice to the mice who were second in command to the king of the ship

  and the janitor mice were kind and fair and good

  and the assistant mice were corrupt and treated the janitor mice like crap

so the assistant mice started telling the janitor mice that they needed to come to their side, and the janitor mice always resisted, but one day they offered them too much to refuse

so the very day the janitor mice started to serve this evil king, the king turned on all of the mice and flooded the ship

  and that's when I woke up

KYLE: .....

 me: I know!

me:  I had a dream we were on our honeymoon in the middle of nowhere, somewhere west, and we had to stay in a two bedroom tent in a trailer park with my parents in the second room

me: I had a dream last night I was back in Athens and it was Halloween

Anna: awww

me: but like, way tamer than actual Halloween

and we were on union street, but people kept calling it main street

and they were having 26 days of Halloween, one for each letter of the alphabet

and it said "A is for Angry Birds, ghosts, ghouls, goblins"

Anna: what a stange dream

me: and there was gonna be a parade, and you, nicole, lisa and rebecca were holding hands blocking cars from union street

it was odd.

  

me: first we were hiking down the mountains leaving Switzerland

this is you and me by the way

then all of a sudden we were home and at some sort of craft outdoor market, and Jen (my sister) and I were laughing because it had all these weird shops for perfumes and lotions and dreamcatchers and stuff

  and we were on our way to a Josh Ritter concert, and at one point we were in the backseat of Josh's car and he was teaching us how to dance...from the front seat of the car, so that was strange.

then the dream changed again, and I was driving down I 27 to get to Thriftway, which used to be where Hobby Lobby is now. and I was waiting at a stop light and I saw a UFO

  and I had seen on TV that people were seeing a lot of UFOs in our area lately, so I was like "WHOA, they DO exist, this is crazy!"

then the UFO did a weird dip thing and purposefully crashed right in the intersection

 KYLE: lmao

 me: and out came all these T-Rexs and they started wreaking havoc on Colerain Avenue

 KYLE: omg

 me: I know, it gets better!

and I ran to the alley behind Thriftway to where the dumpsters were

  and I hid in a corner

and this crazy guy came up who had a gun and kept mumbling to himself about the dinosaurs and UFOs

  and he saw me and I was perfectly still

  and he started throwing bags of garbage at me

and when it left a group of civilized people came by and found me and were all like "IT'S NOT SAFE HERE, COME WITH US!!"

  so I ran with them, and it felt kinda cool because I was running really hard and fast and not getting tired, probably the adrenaline.

 and your aunt Teri was there and told me to run left

  (no idea where she came from)

  so I ran left and saw a huge tree, so me and the group of people started climbing all the vines

  and we had to work together to pull this net down to get to the top

  and we got to the top and looked out at the destruction

  and that's all I remember

when the crazy guy was throwing all the garbage bags on me he pulled his gun on me

  he was gonna shoot me, that's why he piled all the garbage bags on me, to muffle the sound

  but I wrestled the gun away from him and shot him

  that's right.

KYLE: wow

  just... wow

 me: I know, right?

so how did you sleep?

me: I dreamt I was driving along a really slippery road on my way to a fancy party

  and I slipped and drove off the road into a lake

  and I pulled it out all by myself and there was hardly any damage to the car, so that was good

  but when I got to the party no one seemed to care that I drove into a lake

me: crazy dreams last night!!

  it was long and detailed

first you and me were driving to a double date with Kaitlyn and Taylor

  and I got pulled over for speeding and got my first ever speeding ticket

  then we got to Fridays for our double date, and for some reason my mom was there

  and our portion of the check was $60, which we had to pay in nickels

  then we went to an Anberlin concert

  and it was outside and very small

and for some reason in the middle of their set you went up there and grabbed a guitar

 KYLE: lmao

 me: and Anberlin respectfully stepped aside for you to play

  but the mic wasn't working, and I had to bring another one over and turn it on for you

  then you dedicated the song to me, and it was "Impossible"

  you sounded really good!

   

me: I had the most horrible wedding nightmare anyone has ever had.

KYLE: you were delirious is all

  but tell me what happened

me: it started off great

my mom and sister and I drove up to the church, and it was all set up outside, which was odd because we wanted it indoors, but I was fine with it because there wasn't a cloud in the sky

  so I wanted to start getting ready so my mom and I went into the bathroom, and it was gorgeous with all these long long hallways into each individual stall

but when we got to the end we found out we had to swim under this wall to get to the changing room

  and the water was filled with sharks

so I had to swim with sharks and I was really scared

  then we got back outside and all these guests were arriving early

and the officiant wasn't there so I called the church and they said that the stuff set up outside wasn't for us, it was for another couple coming in like an hour

  and they said we never confirmed the church with them so they had nothing ready for us

  so I cried and yelled and became bridezilla and everyone was staring at me and finally the church guys said they'd have it ready in one or two hours

so we were gonna be really late to the reception and everyone was getting antsy and impatient

  meanwhile you still hadn't shown up, and neither had the photographers

  and meanwhile I realized I had forgotten to find a florist, so we had no bouquets

and my dress was ruined from swimming with the sharks

  so I was crying then I woke up and I couldn't breathe.

me: I had a dream that made me mad at you

you decided you wanted to be like Dexter, so you started killing people

  but you weren't following the code very well

  and after a while of not killing people you got bored and decided to kill Tornon (Kyle’s college friend)

I realize this is very strange by the way

  and I kept telling you that you needed to stop, but Tornon was defending you even though he knew you wanted him on the table

that was the first part of the dream

  in the second part we were supposed to meet at a hotel, but then a bear climbed out of this pond and went on a rampage

KYLE: you

  are

  crazy

 me: I know :(

me: oh! I had a dream that you surprised me with an autumn white water rafting trip

but you told me we were just going to go decorating pumpkins

  so I didn't bother to wear shoes

  and I had to go on this sporty hiking and paddling trip with no shoes and inappropriate clothes

me: I had a dream we went to a baseball game

and two bats went into the crowd during the game and I caught them both  and I was very popular

  then I went home and I was a roomie of Kate again

  and Kate had left out all these dishes from a feast we had had days ago

  and the apartment was filled with bugs

  it was awful

there were maggots in my bed and roaches all over the walls so the walls looked like they were moving

  it was awful

  

me: and I had a DREADFUL dream last night I was in my bedroom, and I open to a random page in this paperback book on my windowsill and it was filled with like four bumblebees

so I freaked out a little and swatted at them with something, but it turned out they weren't bees, they were BATS!!

  and they all flew out of my room and into my mom and dad's closet

  and I told dad about them and he said "oh, don't worry about it, they'll leave when they want to"

  and then I woke up shaking and panicking

then I guess I fell back asleep, but I didn't know I had! so in this continuing dream, I told dad about the dream of the bats and he said "that wasn't a dream, they're still up in my closet"

KYLE: lol

me: so I was freaking out again, so I decided to look through some scrapbooks to make me feel better

  and the pages were filled with ants!

and I couldn't get away from the bats, and I just knew that one of them had clung on to me when we left mammoth cave so it was all my fault and I woke up crying

me: I had a dream we were in Paris and I kept rushing around to all the places we want to see

and you kept leaving me to see other stuff you added to the agenda at the last minute

I was angry, but then we went to the Eiffel tower and it was romantic, so then I was ok

KYLE: good to know that for future reference :P

me:   well you shouldn't have been making a bunch of random day trips. We had to miss Napoleon's tomb.

me: Want to hear about my crazy scary dream?

 KYLE: oooo, it's been a while

 me: yeah this one is pretty messed up

 KYLE: go!

 me: me and you and David were in a car. David was driving, you were in the front seat and I was in the back

and we were going through some windy subdivision type of roads, so we were only going like 15 mph

  and I look out the window and see an old couple taking a walk together, and I thought that was very cute.

  and the old man held up a card, like a birthday card or something like that, and he smiled at me

  and I think I just kinda smiled back like "yes, sir, that's very nice

but then he walked up to our car and starts tapping on my window with the card

  and I was getting freaked out

  and he just kept saying "You'll see. You'll see."

  so I told David to speed up and get the hell out of there, but he couldn't go too fast on account of all the twists and turns in the road

so the old man keeps running alongside the car tapping on the window with the card, still saying "You'll see" in this really creepy way

  so finally I scream at him to leave us alone

  and he breaks the window with his elbow

  and I was screaming and scared, then I heard police sirens, and a cop on a motorcycle pulled up

  but that's when I woke up

me: OH I can tell you about the dreams I had last night!! Wanna hear?

KYLE: sure

me: well the first one was that I was waiting in this huge line of girls to meet Zac Efron to see who he wanted to date, and I won and he gave me one of those plastic rings that used to come in cereal boxes

  then I had a dream about my one-on-one training, but the guy had brought along fourteen colleagues, so I had to train 15 people in the board room with only two laptops, and it was awful

  

me: I had a dream that it was my job to move these eggs containing baby bunnies from inside the house to a little fenced in area outside in a meadow

  so I carried all the eggs out but I put them on the wrong side of the fence

  and they all hatched and the bunnies went everywhere

  and I had to catch them and put them back in the cage

  it was adorable

Tyrion Lannister

Tyrion Lannister (yeah, the guy from Game of Thrones) was a fugitive and came to me for help, so I hid him in my neighbor's place down the street from the house I grew up in. There was like a secret basement behind a hidden bookcase, so he was pretty well concealed. It was never 100% clear in the dream, but I am pretty sure he was my secret boyfriend.

I had to sneak across the street to my old house to get supplies, so I was dodging my parents (unsuccessfully -- they kept wanting to tell me about my dad's upcoming cruise [which is not actually happening in real life, so I have no idea where that came from]).

I gathered up some really meager and mostly worthless supplies, like a baby carrier and those white fudge covered pretzels, and I think some Combos or something. Do they even make Combos anymore? I brought them to Tyrion, and he was pretty disappointed because he was really hungry and pretzels weren't going to cover it, so I had to go across the street to some sandwich shop. And while I was waiting in line there were some men in suits and sunglasses eyeing me very suspiciously, so I was like "crap, they're on to me." So I tried to run back to Tyrion's hiding spot to warn him, but for some reason my legs were not working properly and it was like I was running through waist-deep mud.

I'll never know if I made it in time.

Icy Birthday

My husband's best friend from college (we call him "Slash") was coming to Cincinnati for his birthday, and we were having this great big party for him. I was freaking out because all I had gotten him for his birthday was like a six pack of beer and some little trinkets. And Kyle (the hubs) kept telling me not to worry about it because Slash and I aren't besties or anything anyway. But for some reason it was just very important to me, and I only had twenty minutes until he was due to arrive.

So I was like "I'm just going to go down Colerain Avenue and find something else. Maybe I can get him wine or bourbon or something." But when I walked outside, it turned out I had parked my car on some thin ice, and as soon as I walked on it my car sank to the bottom of some pond.

I came back inside (miraculously dry) and said "Well, I can't take my car."

That's all I remember.

Tanning

I went to a salon to get a tanning lotion applied because I thought my legs were looking pale. I sat down next to some random guy who was there for a haircut. I started flipping through a magazine while the salon worker started exfoliating my legs, but as soon as she did she peeled away what little tan my legs already had. So I had pale legs with a streak of extreme paleness.

So I panicked a little and was like "what do I do?!" and the lady said not to worry and that she would fix it by doing the same thing to my entire leg to even it out and then applying the lotion.

While I was waiting for her to get started on fixing my leg, another salon worker came up to the guy next to me and started shaving his head, and he didn't really physically fight it, but he was saying, "I just wanted a trim! Wait! Ah, jeez." And he went from having a full head of hair, to an uneven mohawk, to completely bald.

I think that's when my cat woke me up.